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Friday, January 18, 2008

Husband Material

Let's talk about girls, I can take them or leave them
If you can't feed them then don't even breed them
Getting married's like smoking in bed
When you come to your senses you're already dead

Tell me baby am I husband material
Tell me baby am I husband material
Tell me baby am I husband material

I've roamed every corner of this whole world
In all 50 states I've married a different girl
Gonna do it like the Bible have me 3,000 wives
I'll just keep getting hitched until the Federals arrive

Tell me baby am I husband material
Tell me baby am I husband material
Tell me baby am I husband material

I can't remember them all it's one big blur
Different colors, shapes, and sizes, all kinds of girls
Romancing then financing at the jewelry store
Hock your rings later for the next big score

Tell me baby am I husband material
Tell me baby am I husband material
Tell me baby am I husband material

That old ball and chain is starting to choke
I'm just going out for a pack of smokes
Telling you this story's been a lot of fun
Here comes my ex-wife with a loaded gun

Tell me baby am I husband material
Tell me baby am I husband material
Tell me baby am I husband material

c1993, Andy Seven (Scuzzbuster Music, BMI)

Friday, January 11, 2008

Cocktail Napkins

Played the Second Coming club with the stage festooned in flower petals. The petals on the floor made us slip and slide all over the stage. I had to keep the guitarists from falling on their faces and guitar necks. Later on the Lovedolls’ lead singer tried her cooch dancing routine and almost slipped and broke her neck. That’s entertainment!

The "Horses/Phantasm III" single got played in heavy rotation on KXLU. They had to pull the record off their playlist for awhile because it was getting too many requests. Cool.

Showed up at Jennifer Anus’ going away party at Al’s Bar but the fascist assholes shut the power off before we could play. The loser cunt who books the place wouldn’t let us play because she thinks I’m psychotic. Manny broke into a rad drum solo in protest. Bravo, dude.

Sold Rajis out at 10 PM. We were on the bill with V8 and Killdozer. A slam pit crammed up the floor and fist fights broke out while we were playing. When we played our encore of "One Eyed Car", Fugly the bass player in V8 tried hoisting Jack up on her skinny shoulders and he ended up crashing backwards into his amp. Fugly!

Midway through our set at the Gaslight the full-time loser/part-time sound man shut off the PA. Some bum who claimed to be part-owner of the club pulled a knife on me and told me I would never play the Gaslight again. The lads dispatched him, and we’ve played there ever since.

Lucas left the band so he could go to school in New York and live there rent free, so now Paul’s in. Paul doesn’t like anything so he’ll work out fine.

Recorded “Silver Surfer” for the Flipside compilation (the one that Offspring and Green Day also played on). When I was in mixdown with Joy Aoki and Donnell Cameron the VU needle shot into the red and sat there. Donnell fell off the stool laughing. “This is a very HOT recording!” Yeah.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Welcome to San Francisco

Nobody hits the streets of San Francisco expecting to knock 'em dead. If anything, if you go there it's to run away from somewhere else, and she was taking flight from French Canada, a chilly graveyard of smug and prim "rebels". She had dark skin of indeterminate race and platinum blonde hair. It shook up hipsters who swore they couldn't be shook up.

The locals didn't know what to make of her, but the drag queens did. They took her under their wing like the Seven Dwarves of Babylon: there was Miss Glamour Thing who had Tourette's Syndrome, "c'mere nigger bitch, get your pussy over here I'll show you how to sew a dress, whore". Sister Fred, who worshipped Boy George - "ker-azy about the Boy", he whined through his nose, and Jill Hershey Bar, inheritor of millions, at 300+ pounds and lover of scat, hence the title. The Girl once gave Miss Hershey Bar some dog shit for his birthday and he was so excited he broke out in tears.

Although she never had sex at all she was constantly in the employ of various sex industries - credit card checker for a 1-800 Phone Sex line or a custodian at a North Beach strip club. It paid for guitar strings, a fuzz-wah pedal, and rehearsal studio time. It was one night she got into the Nightbreak on Haight St. to see the Four Horsemen play. Sitting on the edge of the stage as the Four Horsemen played were two sluts with fried blonde hair kicking their legs up and down to the beat. They looked really smug like they were Sex In A Can. "How much more stupid can these bitches look?" she thought.

After a few beers she went to the ladies room. A minute later one of the fried blonde strumpets came in, too. The Girl turned around and sneered at her and said, "Plan on giving any diseases to the band after the show?"
"Fuck you, bitch", Fried Blondie yelled, and threw a punch at her. She ducked and missed the punch. She dived at her and ripped out clumps of the Fried Blonde's hair.
"I'll kill you!" the ugly stripper shrieked. The Girl tore the stripper's top off, and then got her on the ground using her wrestling medal-winning skills to good use.
"Let go of me!!" the stripper whined. The Girl then tried shoving the stripper's head into the toilet bowl. The stripper's friend came in to help her.
By this point there was such a commotion coming from the Ladies Room, the Girl's friends came in with beer pitchers and beat the strippers upside their heads with them.
The bouncers raced in and broke up the fight, kicking everyone out of the bathroom.

After the band's set, the lead singer of the Four Horsemen approached the Girl at the bar.
"Hey", he said, "I'm sorry about those girls. They followed us, I don't know who they are".
"Oh, that's okay", she said. He focused on a chip she wore around her neck.
"Cool", he remarked. "I'm in the program, too. How many days do you have?" He turned the chip around to read the inscription.
The inscription said, "GOOD FOR ONE DRINK".
He disgustedly pushed it back at her. But not so disgusted that he didn't give her his phone number in Hollywood before storming off.

Months later, she had a job cleaning at The Century Theatre. Two strippers came into the dressing room and froze when they saw her. It was the girls from the Nightbreak. As she was leaving, one of the strippers stopped her.
"I know you", she said. "I know you from somewhere. You look really familiar".
"Yeah", the Girl said, "You look really familiar to me, too".
"Do I know you from Hollywood?" she smiled, getting excited. "Did you ever go to the Scream?"
"Yeah, maybe. Have you ever been to White Trash A Go-Go?"
"No, no, no. Maybe the Seventh Veil", the fried stripper pondered, jogging her imited memory banks. She honestly couldn't place her from that explosive evening at the Nightbreak.
A week went by and the two strippers did their act, never recognizing the Girl. After their "engagement" was over at the club they left the Girl a large tip, and they just couldn't remember that night.

The Girl continued making clothes with the Seven Dwarves of Babylon and it worked out fine.